Walking my way back to Happy

 

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Over this past Month so much has come up to be cleared as i began to lay a new foundation beneath my feet as i move forward into a life where i find my way back to Happiness.

I know that my happy place is within me, not outside of me. I do not know how many times i thought happiness came from the outside, the people i surrounded myself with were more intent on making themselves happy by putting others down, something i have never really understood.

In truth they are emotional vampires, they suck any positive/ happy thought by placing their own ideas into the mix which are full of negative words that always seem to find their mark. Well I am saying enough. It is time to take back the positive by looking at any and all situations that come up from a whole new platform.

Previously this saw me withdraw completely from any function that pulled me out into situations that made my anxiety levels sky rocket,  situations where there were groups of people i did not know or placed me apart from others.

Now that i have moved out of the City i feel i can breath again. In the month i have been back in my old home town i have run into three or four people i know through my daughters primary school days. I am able to walk in areas that are not congested  with traffic or people everywhere.

Being able to work around the house, do the gardens and mow the lawns without having someone tell me they will do it later is freeing.

Yes i am in pain and so tired by the time i go to bed but to loose this weight it will take me pushing as hard as i can to get my body to release the pounds. The scales are stuck in a cycle of up 4 pound down 4 pound up 6 pound down 2 up to a pound under what i was a month ago so here i sit on 317 pound. I am too scared to take measurements at this point just letting my clothes be my point of reference for now.

Yes i know muscle weighs more than fat and it has been many years since i pushed myself to exercise, fuel in verses fuel out alters with age. . .

Through all that is happening my daughter has hit the Bitch faze of life which means i now have this female with steam coming out her ears and fire flowing from her mouth as she tries to tell me i am no longer the boss of her, i do not control her and she knows everything so i guess her screaming full tilt is normal! sigh

Getting internet on soon so i will be back to update wish me luck

Suzanne xx

Coffee and chit chat.

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The past couple of weeks i have been hard at it getting my life and self together as i prepare to leave the safety of living with my two eldest sons.

Yes  I have finally found a house i can transform into a home for my daughter and I as we both move into a happier more stable Spring and Summer.

I am so excited to be able to share something special with my daughter as we plant out a garden, get crafty as well as getting busy in the kitchen ready for Christmas, yes i am planning already. Why? because my budget is very small and we will be making gifts this year.

I have not told my daughter we are moving Shh its a surprise. She will be going to her fathers on Friday after school then she has told me she has a sleep over at a friends on the Monday which means i have three days to get the house sorted all ready to welcome her home.

What is even better is she is on holiday as term break begins Friday. I have so many ideas i cannot wait to get busy.

I have also started a challenge toward health and wellness which  is my first #walk 100 miles this gets me out of the house. I have not taken off my fit bit since i bought it and can honestly say i am moving far more than i have in the past 5 years. I am grateful that this keeps me accountable to myself as does my You tube channel. I have also down loaded the app map my walk for when i am settled.

I must admit my anxiety levels have risen a bit the past few days and i have felt very weighed down by the energies of this city. It will be like breathing fresh clean air when i move. The Energy here is very heavy and i feel it building more and more every day.

Trying to explain the feelings the emotions that an em-path deals with daily to my son or anyone is difficult because they think and feel on a very different level.

One thing i do know is my children and grandchildren can see the difference in me since I walked away from a life i had outgrown. I am happier and feeling more like me as the days pass. Oh i almost forgot, i can also report that i am now 120 days smoke free.

I have spent the last three days out in my sons garden clearing the last of  winters slumber as Spring growth pushes forth before i begin creating in the Earth where a new garden awaits.

To be able to meditate in nature, to lay on the grass just watching the clouds the stars above that is my bliss.

I will never go back.

 

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Tomorrow is the beginning of my second week and my first weigh in as i continue the journey to wellness which encompasses  my health, my body, my mind, and my spirituality.

Feeling so amazingly positive today as i look back over the past week. I feel like i have found my mojo again after so many years feeling trapped unable to plant my feet firmly on the path that was before me. I know things will take time to fully come together, the point here is i know that they will where as before the fear of change was so great it kept me under water.

Today i am in charge of me, yes there will be slip ups but there will also be milestones that i surpass on this journey through weight loss, health and wellness which includes working out while studying something that is my passion, my chi.

It is also the first week of wearing a fit-bit. I am so proud of what i have achieved the last three days. As i hit goal not once but three times with  my steps, i have gone from as little as 800 steps to 6000+, i feel tired after i do my final push but it is a good tired and i am happy to go to bed knowing i have had a great day. Gone are the days that keep repeating because i am stepping out of my comfort zones and testing the waters around me once more.

The world i knew 10-20 years ago has changed which has seen my anxiety grow as i withdrew further and further from the life i wanted and accepted that which i knew deep down was doing me more harm than good.

I headed off to the doctors again on Tuesday as something did not feel right and was giving me pain in a place that made life uncomfortable too many times this past week. I have come to the conclusion my body is now letting go of  toxic emotions, chemicals etc that the skin is having a hard time coping, so much so it is breaking out to get me to listen to what it is needing at this time.

Today i went off to get my x rays done and now have to wait a week to find out what is causing the pain although it is pretty much a given my weight is a major factor. I have been lucky up till now but the sitting for long periods over the last five years has not helped.  Still waiting on the appointment to remove the spot by my eye but that should arrive soon.

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Results came in n Friday as did the swab test and all have come back normal. Slight arthritis in the lower spine and the slightest in my hips which is in other words caused by weight. I am happy it is nothing serious and that i can move on with the walking and cycling in moderation as i loose some weight to make moving around easier as i move forward.

Today i am feeling a little tired as i got dinner ready for the family and now sit down to finally get this post done. If it were not for the fact i have a daughter to take care of i would have taken this whole day and just rested. I feel like this when there is a lot of wind blowing around, activity on the Sun or a heaviness in the air.

I have lost 2 kg s this week which means that just maybe my body is going to release the stores and speed up the metabolism here’s hoping.

Suzanne

Skin Cancer Awakens.

 

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Painful aching Hips and a sore lower back  that did not seem to be getting better meant i needed a trip to the doctor. Since my trip by ambulance on the 27 April along with an over night stay, was i hoped my last visit to hospital for a long time, No ! it appears life has decided i need to take control of  more aspects of my life and my health. X-rays to be taken when i get the appointment to see what is happening  there.

I made a list of things to ask about as the cost of medical care is high when you have an income that wont stretch very far at all. On the side of my face next to my eye is what i thought was a blind spot that would not go away even after it had bleed last week so i asked the doctor what it was. Turns out it is a small skin cancer that needs removing, she cannot do it there as it is right on my temple close to my right eye.

My reaction was one of acceptance after all it was only a matter of time before cancer awoke within in some form. Cancer had visited both my Grandmother , then my Mother in different guises  always with the same out come. I advised my sons that they should keep a check on their skin especially the face as two of them spend more time out in the sun.

There is also no point going into fear or to allow the barrage of negative emotions a foot hold after all these cells are my cells, these little cells are here to give me and those around me a much needed lesson, one i may have missed along the way.

I tend to have all these profound thoughts come fully to the surface when i am laying down relaxing into meditation when i do not have pencil and paper handy, getting up at this stage will pull me out of what is coming from within at this time so i remain still.

Separation seemed to be the order of this message, one that had tears flowing from the bodies eyes, only i was just an observer one who watches. It is then i feel myself coming out of a strange fog, one that has been floating around me since i was around 14 years old.  There is a sense a knowing which comes flooding into my heart, my soul.

As i write this i am transported back to my mothers hospital bed and the last day she was fully aware. I had been sitting outside as she had wanted me to continue working during the day, not visiting a hospital after all i still had a family to care for. My father arrived questioning why i was sitting outside, went into Mom then motioned for me to come in.

As i walked in my eyes locked onto my mothers and a conversation ensued that was not heard only felt / sensed between our souls, it is this communication that is flowing from inside of me now.

I have allowed some messages to flow up and out when they were needed for others, have i heard the messages important for me that my body has been sending me, not really.

As i lay there wiping the tears from my bodies eyes i realize just how separated i had allowed us to become, the inner and outta pushing and pulling that has been going on for many years trying to get me to stop notice, the environment, the people, the emotions within, that swirled around me, toward me where they would find a target point, a crack that pulled me under once more.

I have sensed felt so many things because i have not known how to block out that which will play on my mind then begin to place layer after layer until i begin to withdraw from everyone and everything just to find some calm, some peace in a world that is so full of noise that hurts, maims and breeds discord/chaos. Is it any wonder we are stressed to the max, anxiety attacks are becoming common place and suicide rates are increasing.

I was the one that always stood strong for those around me to the point i took in all the anger, fear, desolation that was going on around me as my mother came to terms with her mothers mortality. I was also able to feel/ sense my grandmothers struggle as she put on a brave face so as to reassure all she was fine. That dam word has become one that should be removed from every language because those who say things are fine are the ones that need to know how much they are loved, cared for not via words but via the touch of a loved ones reassuring hand upon theirs, a hug that lasts more than a second, a hug that they can relax into just for a moment where they can feel safe, loved, cared for.

Then it was my turn to watch my mother go through the final chapter of her life, a life that had become one health problem after another from the time she lost her last child. I was 11 years old by then and excited about the prospect of a new baby, someone to love who would love me.

I remember the sadness that lived in that house  never really understanding what had gone wrong just that everything had changed. If only i had asked questions when i was older, if only my mother had felt able to open up about her life, her family.

As women we tend to hold emotions close to the chest as we strive to protect those around us. We do what ever it takes to keep everyone happy only to find our body has given so much of itself that eventually it begins to break down.

We have been given this heart along with this mind which we once used together, it was how we kept balanced, how we connected to the Earth and every living thing around us.  We could sense the energies that abounded. The energies that communicated with our soul, the language of light that guided us as we became mothers nurturing our own children as the earth had nurtured us in the beginning.

I pray that i am able to reconnect my heart and mind as i call on the language of light to  guide my steps as i continue this earthly journey able to be the calm within the storm when it is needed.

Suzanne

 

 

 

Pressure point.

 

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Why?

Life…

POWER, GREED, CONTROL!

An experiment, breed for a purpose,

another time.

Time ticks,

that incessant clock …

Time to get up !

Time to go !

Time to RISE UP !

Tick -Tock, Tick -Tock, Tick -Tock,

Stop this roller coaster, Stop this Earth, I want to get off,

off just for a moment, I need to catch my breath.

Files hidden within layers of the mind,

Waiting.

Listening.

Wondering.

Is today the day this all makes sense.

The above pushed into my thoughts at that time of sleep/awake that happens most nights between 3 am and 5 am.

Tossing and turning through the night has bought on a pressure headache on the left side of my head. What is it with the left side these past few weeks. Meditation brings relaxation on just one side while the other seems to want to do its own thing.

I have this strange feeling my body is separating from itself left pulling away from right or is this the removal of the old into the new.

Pressure increasing in joints that weigh heavy. It is as if this air is heavy weighted in some way. Energy ebbs and flows.

I pray for the days of long ago where the waters were clear and clean sustaining life in balance along with the other elements that worked in unison with the seasons. Where mountains climbed toward the sky lush with forests that told their own stories of ancient times. The animal life, flowers and herbs that abounded with healing properties.  A time where the life that filled humanity with wonder, immense beauty and stories lead to constant exploration which would in time bring balance between all elements that made up life on this Planet.

I pray for a better way for us all, tough times abound does this not make us want something different. Why do so many not see what is right in front of them? Maybe the thought of any other way is so fearful they do not want to rock the boat.

Every day becomes harder to work through as nothing makes sense from where i stand. Anxiety rises as i fight against this incessant routine that is life within this matrix.

Suzanne

 

 

Anxiety?

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For those  reading my blog for the first time.

In late April i awoke in a fog that was so debilitating i did not know what was wrong with me. I was in total shut down both physically and emotionally.

The trip to my GP voiced what i knew deep down to be the problem, I had to get out of my marriage. Believe me it is not like i had not tried to make things work, when the communication has broken down to the extent where you are like ghosts existing within the walls of a home, it is time to move on.

For me i should have followed that gut instinct when my youngest son was 10 years old, this was when my insides were screaming NO! do not go back.

I have lost count of the times i heard “it’s not you it”s me!”

The other night while trying to meditate i realized that for most of my life stuffing my emotions down had been via food, then i would withdraw fully, lets face it i had seen what alcohol and drugs did to people and that was not a path i was going to go down.

This morning i stood in front of the mirror and saw the damage i have done to my body. The horrible truth is I did this to my body, no one else ME.

My body has carried me this whole time never complaining, my body has stretched its self to the limit, my muscles have lost there tone and my joints are beginning to groan under the strain of inactivity.  The anxiety levels have begun to grow again as i wonder what next, where am i heading.

Panic begins to set in as i wonder if i can right so much damage before it is too late.

I am classed as Obese, a word that shuts down many women because all they feel is shame. The hardest thing a women has to deal with is the constant attention her looks draw. Good, bad there is no in-between, all those who grew up in families with mothers who also had low body image carry this same blue print which is then mirrored within their daughters.

The women who think they are better than those not endowed with their perception of beauty like nothing better than to point fingers and whisper behind their hand to one another, showing their daughters that this kind of behavior is acceptable.

Even though it is 50 years since i stood in a classroom as a five year old who knew even then she would never fit in, it still hurts today.

On Wednesday when i went to the assessment center for the position i had applied for i knew the moment the women saw me that i was not a viable candidate, expressions and gut feelings are almost ever wrong.

Last week i told the truth and put my emotions out there for the first time ever and the universe stepped in showing me what it was that i needed to see once i had stood in my own power, no longer going with what others expected from me.

Job number two contacted and said they had filled all positions. Reaction was in the form of relief as this was a position i did not want to do again. As an empath it affected me deeply more than i wanted to admit the three years i did this particular job.

The house that was just perfect, well, it wasn’t really, the price was way too high along with the cost of power and food, not to mention travel costs and childcare costs, we would have been out on the street in no time. I heard you are putting the cart before the horse. As a consequence the feelings and emotions when i tried to find a way to work the full time hours which were two morning and two evening for the next position were just not going to work.

The above is a lesson i needed which is why my inner control system began to drag up emotions that needed to be felt and expressed the way they were. If this had not happened as it did i would have found myself locked into something that would have taken my life.

When you are at the bottom and cannot seem to find the ladder that leads upward, it means that you need to take time out and go within to hear what it is you are not hearing in order to grow once more. If there is one thing to impart to you today it is this.

Plant the seed of one positive thought.

watch it’s light expand,

grow into brilliance.

All it takes is one.

 

Frustration abounds

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Today frustration abounds as i try to get my head around typing without looking at the keys so that i am able to get my typing speed up.

I am at the point where i want to throw my note book against the nearest wall, i know i should not allow myself to get this frustrated but today i feel knocked back.

WHY?

Opening up to the Universe fully brings many things to a head as the Lions gate opens. This has been a very energetic opening, an in your face encounter that i needed to feel and push though yesterday, whether i wanted to or not, i had to shut the door on the fears that surround the Male energy that over whelmed the feminine that is me as a young girl, teenager and young woman.

This past week has been so busy as i look for work as well as a house. I had until August the first to get my daughter enrolled for high school or she would not get a place at the high school that is between her father and I. Long story short, i am out of zone but her father is in zone. Our daughter now comes in under him until i find a house in zone which means he is down as primary care one.

I have applied for three positions in the last three weeks as well as signed up with an agency i went through in 2000. The consultant that I was put under a month ago seems to think that he knows how i need to do things to get a job.  I have also come to realize that he is a little too pushy which infuriates the hell out of me. Writing a cover letter that is from me that i would not write, then signing me up to agencies that i have not even looked at does not sit well with me at all.

I  am a Women who knows what works best for her and refuse to allow another male dictate how I should dress, how i should write a cover letter  and who i should contact to ask if they have positions available.

  1.  I do not need to run any job applications i make past you ever!
  2.  This is the rest of my life not yours.
  3.  I will not be made to feel any less than i am by any Man ever again.
  4.  You are fired!!

Oh just a heads up, the first job i applied for that you wanted me to call back and ask why i did not get the position, which i told you I would not do, rang me on Tuesday asking if i was still interested as they have been given extra funding so they are going through the short list they had. Yes i was on the short list. I begin assessment this week.

The second position sent out more forms and are waiting on the police check.

The third were temp rolls for a day or two here and there with minimal notice which did not fit with a child, thing is they updated my file from way back and are now going to let me know when they have a permanent position available that is full time.

I have also found a house that is in Zone that i am waiting to hear about that is perfect for my daughter and I. Things i know are going to be tough but in this past month i have come to stand fully in my own power and know that i count as do my thoughts and feelings.

I will no longer give away my power to anyone least of all you.

Last night i could have ripped the heart out of any Man that crossed my path, the anger was that strong, that raw, i imagined a Lion / Lioness ripping their throats out. It was time to take deep breaths and allow the emotions to be felt, acknowledged and then released. As i allowed this process to flow i felt the feminine within me rise up to fill the space left. My daughter is approaching 13, an age where i struggled with who i was and where i belonged, i see her mirroring me in many ways but where i withdraw she stands firm. Suddenly a light goes off and i am standing on the outside looking in.

My daughter speaks up and is not afraid to say it like it is to her father and her four brothers, regardless which gets their backs up. Where as i would just keep quiet, a habit i learnt as a very young child as i observed my mother and the way she would deal with situations. [Keep the peace]

When you are looking at a situation from the outside you see all that is happening, the emotions, body language words spoken or in my mothers case not spoken. It was then i saw myself at around 9 or 10 begin the journey toward obesity. I would take what was said, done, to heart believing it to be true and stuff the emotions i felt down as much as i could. What i did not realize at that time was this was what my mother was, and had done herself, her entire life. Food became the comfort that built the wall that i could hide behind because that was  my safe place, a place no one could take away because i built it.

This morning i was given full release of the emotions and fear when my consultant rang. He had received my voice message and email. We spoke and i explained how i felt and why with out going into too much detail, He apologized, understood where i was. I will be looking after myself from this day forward.

This is what it feels like to be alive sensing, feeling, seeing the word through the eyes of an old soul, one who has repeated this journey many times in order to use their gifts to enlighten and shine like a beacon, that light that will guide and lead us all out of the overwhelming density that has held us down for so long.

I do not intend giving up on this journey yet, i will continue for as long as i am able to help even one person along the path to peace and living a life as it should be, in joy, compassion,peace and love.

Suzanne