Painful aching Hips and a sore lower back that did not seem to be getting better meant i needed a trip to the doctor. Since my trip by ambulance on the 27 April along with an over night stay, was i hoped my last visit to hospital for a long time, No ! it appears life has decided i need to take control of more aspects of my life and my health. X-rays to be taken when i get the appointment to see what is happening there.
I made a list of things to ask about as the cost of medical care is high when you have an income that wont stretch very far at all. On the side of my face next to my eye is what i thought was a blind spot that would not go away even after it had bleed last week so i asked the doctor what it was. Turns out it is a small skin cancer that needs removing, she cannot do it there as it is right on my temple close to my right eye.
My reaction was one of acceptance after all it was only a matter of time before cancer awoke within in some form. Cancer had visited both my Grandmother , then my Mother in different guises always with the same out come. I advised my sons that they should keep a check on their skin especially the face as two of them spend more time out in the sun.
There is also no point going into fear or to allow the barrage of negative emotions a foot hold after all these cells are my cells, these little cells are here to give me and those around me a much needed lesson, one i may have missed along the way.
I tend to have all these profound thoughts come fully to the surface when i am laying down relaxing into meditation when i do not have pencil and paper handy, getting up at this stage will pull me out of what is coming from within at this time so i remain still.
Separation seemed to be the order of this message, one that had tears flowing from the bodies eyes, only i was just an observer one who watches. It is then i feel myself coming out of a strange fog, one that has been floating around me since i was around 14 years old. There is a sense a knowing which comes flooding into my heart, my soul.
As i write this i am transported back to my mothers hospital bed and the last day she was fully aware. I had been sitting outside as she had wanted me to continue working during the day, not visiting a hospital after all i still had a family to care for. My father arrived questioning why i was sitting outside, went into Mom then motioned for me to come in.
As i walked in my eyes locked onto my mothers and a conversation ensued that was not heard only felt / sensed between our souls, it is this communication that is flowing from inside of me now.
I have allowed some messages to flow up and out when they were needed for others, have i heard the messages important for me that my body has been sending me, not really.
As i lay there wiping the tears from my bodies eyes i realize just how separated i had allowed us to become, the inner and outta pushing and pulling that has been going on for many years trying to get me to stop notice, the environment, the people, the emotions within, that swirled around me, toward me where they would find a target point, a crack that pulled me under once more.
I have sensed felt so many things because i have not known how to block out that which will play on my mind then begin to place layer after layer until i begin to withdraw from everyone and everything just to find some calm, some peace in a world that is so full of noise that hurts, maims and breeds discord/chaos. Is it any wonder we are stressed to the max, anxiety attacks are becoming common place and suicide rates are increasing.
I was the one that always stood strong for those around me to the point i took in all the anger, fear, desolation that was going on around me as my mother came to terms with her mothers mortality. I was also able to feel/ sense my grandmothers struggle as she put on a brave face so as to reassure all she was fine. That dam word has become one that should be removed from every language because those who say things are fine are the ones that need to know how much they are loved, cared for not via words but via the touch of a loved ones reassuring hand upon theirs, a hug that lasts more than a second, a hug that they can relax into just for a moment where they can feel safe, loved, cared for.
Then it was my turn to watch my mother go through the final chapter of her life, a life that had become one health problem after another from the time she lost her last child. I was 11 years old by then and excited about the prospect of a new baby, someone to love who would love me.
I remember the sadness that lived in that house never really understanding what had gone wrong just that everything had changed. If only i had asked questions when i was older, if only my mother had felt able to open up about her life, her family.
As women we tend to hold emotions close to the chest as we strive to protect those around us. We do what ever it takes to keep everyone happy only to find our body has given so much of itself that eventually it begins to break down.
We have been given this heart along with this mind which we once used together, it was how we kept balanced, how we connected to the Earth and every living thing around us. We could sense the energies that abounded. The energies that communicated with our soul, the language of light that guided us as we became mothers nurturing our own children as the earth had nurtured us in the beginning.
I pray that i am able to reconnect my heart and mind as i call on the language of light to guide my steps as i continue this earthly journey able to be the calm within the storm when it is needed.